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  1. #1
    Hopelessly Addicted fireice is on a distinguished road fireice's Avatar
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    Jack Bauer Jokes a la Chuck Norris but Way Funnier

    For those that follow the Show "24" some funny Jack Bauer stuff.
    Enjoy.


    The entire defense budget of the USA is used to keep Jack Bauer in supply of cell phone batteries

    Jack Bauer once bit a zombie It turned into Tony Almeida

    Jack Bauer shot Helen Keller in the knee to make her talk

    When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down

    Jack Bauer has been to Mars Thats why theres no life on Mars

    This one time at band camp Jack Bauer killed a 6 year old terrorist

    When you come face to face with Jack Bauer, you can do things the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is ingesting your cyanide pill.

    Jack Bauer once played Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris in a "who has the most testicles contest." He beat them both by a combined total of 46.

    Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth

    Gas prices go up during a crisis because the government needs to pay for Jack Bauer's cell phone bill

    Bullets don't kill Jack Bauer because they're afraid to

    The reason it is forbidden to show Muhammad’s face is because they don’t want Jack Bauer to recognize him

    If Jack Bauer was on Brokeback Mountain, there would be no gay cowboys, just dead ones

    In high school, Jack Bauer got a job working as a department store Santa. He was fired after he tortured a child to tell him her Christmas list.

    Terrorists go to prison for protection from Jack Bauer. It rarely actually works.

    Every time you blink Jack Bauer kills a terrorist, not because you blinked, but because that how many terrorists he kills.

    When Jack Bauer plays Deal or No Deal, the banker ALWAYS offers him a million dollars.

    John Lennon, JFK, and MLK Jr all tried to hit on Jack's daughter Kim. The moral lesson is obvious.

    Jack Bauer knows every bone in the human body because he's broken every one

    They orginally planned to have Jack Bauer in a sex scene with Teri Bauer, but the producers had to cut it because it took all 24 hours

    What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question Jack Bauer does not bleed

    Just because Jack Bauer shows up with jumper cables doesn't mean someone called Triple-A

    The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday

    If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be more hours of terrorists getting -hammered

    Bob Marley Jack Bauer shot the sheriff

    Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation

    Twice, the Grim Reaper has come for Jack Bauer. Both times it ran away screaming.
    Jack Bauer once stared at a woman for 30 seconds and got her pregnant

    If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris

    You can lead a horse to water Jack Bauer can make him drink

    Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

    The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

    If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life

    Chuck Norris is a Texas Ranger only because Jack Bauer won’t allow him to be a federal agent

    You don't give Jack Bauer your opinion, Jack Bauer gives you your opinion

    Jack Bauer is 100% energy efficient That's why he never uses the toilet

    Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies

    When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables

    It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent

    If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re ed

    When Jack Bauer goes to church to pray, he simply goes up the the priest and says, "Put him through"

    Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl by himself

    Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

    When you are ing your wife and she is thinking about Jack Bauer, its ok, because so are you

    In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell

    When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun

    If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus

    Jack Bauer once fell asleep Then 9/11 happened

    Walgreens makes a Jack Bauer laxative, and it kicks the out of everyone

    Jack Bauer was once shot. The bullet was killed on impact

    Jack Bauer doesn't wash his clothes He tortures them until they're clean

    Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30

    Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive

    If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice

    If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.

    When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ing hates lemonade.

    Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

    If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

    Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

    1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer Sounds like a fair fight

    Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk

    Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
    Jack Bauer doesn't need anger management. Anger management needs Jack Bauer.

    Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

    When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out

    Strippers tip Jack Bauer

    Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

    When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

    When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

    Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

    GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure

    If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ing beef.

    Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ing do it

    In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the have you done with your life?

    When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket

    Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas

    Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer
    Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness

    Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won

    Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

    Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him If he is stronger, join him If he is Jack Bauer, you're ing dead"

    Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people. Then Jack snapped Chuck Norris' neck into 24 pieces.

    People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer

    Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

    When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back

    Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

    Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves

    Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men

    Jack Bauer can speak Braille

    Jack Bauer brought down the Berlin Wall

    If everyone at CTU listened to and did everything Jack Bauer said, the show would be called 12

    ==============================================
    Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl by himself.
    Last edited by Big Johnny69; 04-22-2006 at 03:03 PM.

  2. #2
    Champion faldo is on a distinguished road faldo's Avatar
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    Some good/accurate chuckles

  3. #3
    Major Poster EDSGOLF is on a distinguished road
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    Jack is my hero!
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