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Forum: Golf Jokes

Good clean fun

  1. Sticky Thread Sticky: PG rated golf jokes only please

    PG rated golf jokes only please.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 11-20-2005 06:07 AM
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  1. golf fanatic and a religious man

    Tom was a golf fanatic and a religious man as well. He would always play golf on the weekends and also make sure he went to church. Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling rather poorly, he remarked to his wife, "I sure hope there is golf in the after-life, I feel terrible!" To which...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:35 AM
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    • Views: 2,001
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  2. P-u-t-t

    The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:34 AM
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    • Views: 1,988
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  3. would you

    A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?" "I would!" "And would you let her come into my house?" "I would!" "Would she be working in my kitchen?" "She would!" "Would she sleep in my bed?" "She would!" "Would she put her clothes in my press?" "She would!"

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:33 AM
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    • Views: 2,033
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  4. Somersaults

    A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together.The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:33 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,009
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  5. Partners

    Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:32 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,456
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  6. shipwrecked

    A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo, and I am verra...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:31 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 1,946
    06-25-2005 11:31 AM Go to last post
  7. Can't Loose

    A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?" "Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough,...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:31 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,266
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  8. Barn doors

    The man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green. When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot. About six months later the...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:30 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,268
    06-25-2005 11:30 AM Go to last post
  9. Long round

    I knew four guys in my old neighborhood who used to play EVERY Saturday no matter what. The course they played stayed open all year round even when there was snow on the ground. I asked him whether he used an orange ball when he played in the snow, and he told me that when the snow was deep enough,...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:28 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,194
    06-25-2005 11:28 AM Go to last post
  10. Olde Angus

    A young American golf fanatic six months new to the game decided to make the trip of a lifetime to Scotland, the Holy land of golf. Upon his arrival he quickly headed out to the course and arranged a tee time for a short time later. As per his PGA teaching professional's instructions, he requested...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:28 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,190
    06-25-2005 11:28 AM Go to last post
  11. Procession

    I was playing a round with an older fella and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot omn the 3rd tee he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared. I said, "That's really...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:27 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 1,976
    06-25-2005 11:27 AM Go to last post
  12. Gorilla

    There were these two guys who played golf together frequently. The one guy was several strokes better than the other guy, but the lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. Finally, one Saturday morning he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:27 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 1,984
    06-25-2005 11:27 AM Go to last post
  13. I don't play golf with Dean anymore

    My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:26 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,203
    06-25-2005 11:26 AM Go to last post
  14. Clichés

    Homesick Gopher - a putted ball that goes straight in without using the lip. Cellophane Bridge - a putt that goes right over top of the hole. Grow hair / Grow fangs / Hit a House / Deploy The Chute - what you yell at a putt that needs to slow down In Northern Ontario - Hit a Moose is popular...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:47 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 4,535
    06-25-2005 10:47 AM Go to last post
  15. The Pro is my Shepherd

    The Pro is my Shepherd The Pro is my Shepherd, I shall not Slice. He maketh me to Drive Straight Down Green Fairways; He leadeth me Safely across Still Water-Hazards;

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:45 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 8,738
    06-25-2005 10:45 AM Go to last post
  16. How to Line up Your 4th Putt

    Here is a new Golf Book that might make for interesting reading for some of you. The title is "How to Line up Your 4th Putt" by BOBBY RUSHER. Here are some of the more notable chapters: A. How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee. B. How to avoid the water...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:44 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 8,870
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  17. The Laws Of Golf

    Pine trees eat golf balls. Hazards attract; fairways repel. It's not a gimme if you're still away. Aim for the bunker, you'll never hit it. A putt cannot be wished into the cup. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie. It rains only when you...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:42 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 5,332
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  18. Mooo

    A farmer in Germany certainly said a mouthful in 1994 when he filed a lawsuit against the owners of a neighbouring golf club for what he claimed were the murders of 30 of his cows. He filed the suit after a veterinarian investigating the death of the cows found a golf ball lodged in the throat of...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:42 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,750
    06-25-2005 10:42 AM Go to last post
  19. Dead Seagulls

    On the first hole of his qualifying round for the 1935 Society of One Armed Golfers' championship, J.W. Perret killed a seagull with his first approach shot. He matched the feat with his second approach shot as well.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:41 AM
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    • Views: 4,090
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  20. Bar Chip Shot

    During an Amateur Stroke Play event in 1974, Nigel Denham hit his second shot straight into the clubhouse where it bounced its way to the men's bar. Since it was not considered out of bounds, Denham opened a window and pitched the ball from the bar onto the green, 12 feet from the hole.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:41 AM
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    06-25-2005 10:41 AM Go to last post
  21. Heavy Armor:

    In 1912, Harry Dearth played a match at Bushey Hall in England while wearing a complete suite of heavy armor. He lost the match.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:41 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,809
    06-25-2005 10:41 AM Go to last post
  22. Broken Shaft:

    In 1951, Edward Harrison was playing at the Inglewood Country Club in Seattle, when the shaft of his driver broke and pierced his groin. He staggered 100 yards before he collapsed and bled to death.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:40 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 5,028
    06-25-2005 10:40 AM Go to last post
  23. A German Tourist

    Supposedly on a golf holiday to England, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:39 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,677
    06-25-2005 10:39 AM Go to last post
  24. Nice Shot!

    When Neville Rowlanson, 56, teed off on the first hole at a golf course in Suffolk, England, his drive deflected off a marker in front of the tee. The ball then caromed to the right, went 25 yards, struck the pin on the 18th green and dropped into the cup. Golf World magazine called the feat a...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:39 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,885
    06-25-2005 10:39 AM Go to last post
  25. Only in the USA:

    Dale L. Larson's $41,000 trial-court award was upheld by a Wisconsin appeals court in October, which agreed with the trial court that the Indianhead golf course in Wausau was 51 percent responsible for Larson's needing nine root canals and 23 dental crowns. Larson tripped on his golf spikes and...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:39 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,544
    06-25-2005 10:39 AM Go to last post
  26. Unusual Tournaments

    The Four-Club Challenge In post-war Tokyo golf clubs were so rare they were rationed, but this did not stop golfers from enjoying the game. Players in this tournament are limited to four golf clubs for each round, one of which must be a putter. Once you've played with only four clubs, you find out...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:38 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,705
    06-25-2005 10:38 AM Go to last post
  27. Guide to The Non-Playing Expert

    Guide to The Non-Playing Expert and Other Golf Characters As if assigned by nature, it just so happens that every golf club in the world has one member who knows it all and has done it all. These are usually perfectly honorable folks whose only abnormality is a high balata count in their blood. ...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:29 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,725
    06-25-2005 10:29 AM Go to last post
  28. Business & Golf

    Business & Golf The Ten Commandments I. The object of playing the game is to impress; perception is more important than reality. II. When playing with superiors you must pre-determine the outcome of the match. III. Observance of the Rules and Etiquette of Golf is mandatory whenever you...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:28 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,830
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  29. Ten Golf Rules

    For Good Players Whose Scores Would Reflect Their Ability If Only They Got A Lucky Break Once In A While. 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering to the right or to the...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:27 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 5,569
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  30. Reflections on 1923

    Reflections on 1923 * Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:25 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,442
    06-25-2005 10:25 AM Go to last post
  31. Motion to Bar a Player

    Motion to Bar a Player WHEREAS Sufferin' Heights Golf Club is a registered privately owned non-profit corporation, hereinafter referred to as "the Club" with the exception of Ladies' Night when it shall be referred to as "Delores"; WHEREAS the accused, ZXZX, sometimes plays golf at the Club,...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:25 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,890
    06-25-2005 10:25 AM Go to last post

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