Forum: Golf Jokes

Tom was a golf fanatic and a religious man as well. He would always play golf on the weekends and also make sure he went to church. Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling rather poorly, he remarked to his wife, "I sure hope there is golf in the after-life, I feel terrible!" To which...

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?" "I would!" "And would you let her come into my house?" "I would!" "Would she be working in my kitchen?" "She would!" "Would she sleep in my bed?" "She would!" "Would she put her clothes in my press?" "She would!"

A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together.The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever...

Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like...

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo, and I am verra...

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?" "Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough,...

The man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green. When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot. About six months later the...

I knew four guys in my old neighborhood who used to play EVERY Saturday no matter what. The course they played stayed open all year round even when there was snow on the ground. I asked him whether he used an orange ball when he played in the snow, and he told me that when the snow was deep enough,...

A young American golf fanatic six months new to the game decided to make the trip of a lifetime to Scotland, the Holy land of golf. Upon his arrival he quickly headed out to the course and arranged a tee time for a short time later. As per his PGA teaching professional's instructions, he requested...

I was playing a round with an older fella and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot omn the 3rd tee he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared. I said, "That's really...

There were these two guys who played golf together frequently. The one guy was several strokes better than the other guy, but the lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. Finally, one Saturday morning he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He...

My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"...

Homesick Gopher - a putted ball that goes straight in without using the lip. Cellophane Bridge - a putt that goes right over top of the hole. Grow hair / Grow fangs / Hit a House / Deploy The Chute - what you yell at a putt that needs to slow down In Northern Ontario - Hit a Moose is popular...

The Pro is my Shepherd The Pro is my Shepherd, I shall not Slice. He maketh me to Drive Straight Down Green Fairways; He leadeth me Safely across Still Water-Hazards;

Here is a new Golf Book that might make for interesting reading for some of you. The title is "How to Line up Your 4th Putt" by BOBBY RUSHER. Here are some of the more notable chapters: A. How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee. B. How to avoid the water...

Pine trees eat golf balls. Hazards attract; fairways repel. It's not a gimme if you're still away. Aim for the bunker, you'll never hit it. A putt cannot be wished into the cup. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie. It rains only when you...

A farmer in Germany certainly said a mouthful in 1994 when he filed a lawsuit against the owners of a neighbouring golf club for what he claimed were the murders of 30 of his cows. He filed the suit after a veterinarian investigating the death of the cows found a golf ball lodged in the throat of...

On the first hole of his qualifying round for the 1935 Society of One Armed Golfers' championship, J.W. Perret killed a seagull with his first approach shot. He matched the feat with his second approach shot as well.

During an Amateur Stroke Play event in 1974, Nigel Denham hit his second shot straight into the clubhouse where it bounced its way to the men's bar. Since it was not considered out of bounds, Denham opened a window and pitched the ball from the bar onto the green, 12 feet from the hole.

In 1912, Harry Dearth played a match at Bushey Hall in England while wearing a complete suite of heavy armor. He lost the match.

In 1951, Edward Harrison was playing at the Inglewood Country Club in Seattle, when the shaft of his driver broke and pierced his groin. He staggered 100 yards before he collapsed and bled to death.

Supposedly on a golf holiday to England, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A...

When Neville Rowlanson, 56, teed off on the first hole at a golf course in Suffolk, England, his drive deflected off a marker in front of the tee. The ball then caromed to the right, went 25 yards, struck the pin on the 18th green and dropped into the cup. Golf World magazine called the feat a...

Dale L. Larson's $41,000 trial-court award was upheld by a Wisconsin appeals court in October, which agreed with the trial court that the Indianhead golf course in Wausau was 51 percent responsible for Larson's needing nine root canals and 23 dental crowns. Larson tripped on his golf spikes and...

The Four-Club Challenge In post-war Tokyo golf clubs were so rare they were rationed, but this did not stop golfers from enjoying the game. Players in this tournament are limited to four golf clubs for each round, one of which must be a putter. Once you've played with only four clubs, you find out...

Guide to The Non-Playing Expert and Other Golf Characters As if assigned by nature, it just so happens that every golf club in the world has one member who knows it all and has done it all. These are usually perfectly honorable folks whose only abnormality is a high balata count in their blood. ...

Business & Golf The Ten Commandments I. The object of playing the game is to impress; perception is more important than reality. II. When playing with superiors you must pre-determine the outcome of the match. III. Observance of the Rules and Etiquette of Golf is mandatory whenever you...

For Good Players Whose Scores Would Reflect Their Ability If Only They Got A Lucky Break Once In A While. 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering to the right or to the...

Reflections on 1923 * Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall...

Motion to Bar a Player WHEREAS Sufferin' Heights Golf Club is a registered privately owned non-profit corporation, hereinafter referred to as "the Club" with the exception of Ladies' Night when it shall be referred to as "Delores"; WHEREAS the accused, ZXZX, sometimes plays golf at the Club,...