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Forum: Golf Jokes

Good clean fun

  1. Sticky Thread Sticky: PG rated golf jokes only please

    PG rated golf jokes only please.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 11-20-2005 06:07 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 23,874
    11-20-2005 06:07 AM Go to last post
  1. If your wife said ...

    that you had to give up golfing or she would leave you .... Would you miss her?? :eek:

    Started by zoic‎, 10-16-2005 11:34 AM
    • Replies: 2
    • Views: 4,289
    10-19-2005 08:34 AM Go to last post
  2. Far far away

    A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."! Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this...

    Started by crissy‎, 10-15-2005 05:30 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,107
    10-15-2005 05:30 AM Go to last post
  3. One 4 the money, 3 for the DOH!

    Years ago at the original Dome Hill golf course I was playing in the Pro/Am tournament with a pro and 2 other friends who where also members. On the 16th hole there was a van behind the green, to be won if someone aced the hole. My friend put his first shot in the pond stretching around a majority...

    Started by zoic‎, 10-02-2005 08:41 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 5,482
    10-02-2005 08:41 PM Go to last post
  4. This Guy Needs Lessons!

    This guy really needs to see his local pro and get that driver straightened out:-)

    Started by Golfbum‎, 09-26-2005 04:42 PM
    • Replies: 1
    • Views: 5,908
    09-26-2005 04:46 PM Go to last post
  5. World's Shortest Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing every day. THE END :-) :-) :-)

    Started by Golfbum‎, 09-09-2005 11:45 PM
    • Replies: 1
    • Views: 4,107
    09-12-2005 02:09 PM Go to last post
  6. Aging wife!

    It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My...

    Started by 3putt‎, 09-09-2005 10:28 AM
    • Replies: 2
    • Views: 4,777
    09-09-2005 03:50 PM Go to last post
  7. Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:

    10. I bent my shaft! 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first 3. My hands are so...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:09 PM
    • Replies: 4
    • Views: 5,810
    09-09-2005 09:05 AM Go to last post
  8. Perfect team...almost.

    An 85 year old man says to his doctor that he enjoys playing golf everyday but his vision is not was it used to be and often time looses sight of the ball after hitting it. The doctor suggest that another patient of his, a 90 year old man who as an excellent vision is always looking for new ways to...

    Started by wantobegolfer‎, 09-08-2005 08:03 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 4,042
    09-08-2005 08:03 PM Go to last post
  9. Golfer - Caddy Quips

    Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" Caddy: "I doubt it, that would be too much of a coincidence" Golfer: "I'd move...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:48 AM
    • Replies: 4
    • Views: 9,076
    08-23-2005 01:01 PM Go to last post
  10. The Game Of Golf

    1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." 2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." 3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask...

    Started by Golfbum‎, 08-19-2005 06:40 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 4,459
    08-19-2005 06:40 PM Go to last post
  11. The Dead Parrot

    The Dead Parrot At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Mr. Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house" "Ah yes Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

    Started by Golfbum‎, 07-25-2005 03:07 PM
    • Replies: 2
    • Views: 5,981
    07-25-2005 07:04 PM Go to last post
  12. idiots

    Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots over there ice skating in this blizzard!"

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:54 AM
    • Replies: 1
    • Views: 3,613
    07-11-2005 04:41 PM Go to last post
  13. Never Too Old To Learn

    We're never too old to learn! Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet,...

    Started by Golfbum‎, 07-01-2005 12:53 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,547
    07-01-2005 12:53 PM Go to last post
  14. Alternate shot

    A husband and wife had entered a golf contest, the object was each would alternately hit the ball. The husband teed off with a mighty drive just short of the green on the par four first hole. As his wife stepped up, he said, "Don't worry honey, just chip it anywhere on to the green." His wife...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:17 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,811
    06-25-2005 12:17 PM Go to last post
  15. Scratch Golfer

    Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "Whatís your handicap?" "Oh, Iím a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:16 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 4,209
    06-25-2005 12:16 PM Go to last post
  16. The Groom

    The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:15 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,987
    06-25-2005 12:15 PM Go to last post
  17. Posted at a local golf club...

    1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8....

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:15 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,563
    06-25-2005 12:15 PM Go to last post
  18. Some Things Your Wife Will Never Say

    I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8 I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping. Forget the...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:12 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 5,031
    06-25-2005 12:12 PM Go to last post
  19. golf every day

    There was this guy who went golfing every day, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was he was hooked on a round of golf. One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home. His wife was...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:12 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,160
    06-25-2005 12:12 PM Go to last post
  20. Heaven

    This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:10 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,393
    06-25-2005 12:10 PM Go to last post
  21. Nice Saturday

    On a nice Saturday morning this summer I'm having a game with a man, 25 years old. Getting ready to put on the second hole, we see that woman running towards us in a wedding gown. The young man with me looks at her and says:" I told you: if it rains!"

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:08 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,916
    06-25-2005 12:08 PM Go to last post
  22. 7 iron

    One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:07 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,853
    06-25-2005 12:07 PM Go to last post
  23. Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says:...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:07 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,390
    06-25-2005 12:07 PM Go to last post
  24. Big hitter

    A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:05 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,296
    06-25-2005 12:05 PM Go to last post
  25. Bad game

    After a life of golf, thinking he had a sound and consistent game, Fred has the worst round of his life. Not able to take it, he enters the locker room, grabs a fresh razor, climbs into the showers and slits his wrists to die in the stream of water and blood ... Just after doing the deed and...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:04 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,769
    06-25-2005 12:04 PM Go to last post
  26. senior golfers

    A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:03 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,873
    06-25-2005 12:03 PM Go to last post
  27. women on the golf course

    There was a country club which didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:02 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,226
    06-25-2005 12:02 PM Go to last post
  28. Need a doctor

    A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapses from a heart attack! 'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband. The husband runs off to find a doctor, and soon returns, picks up his putter, and lines up his shot. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him....

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 12:02 PM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,289
    06-25-2005 12:02 PM Go to last post
  29. Holy Foursome

    The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:59 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,515
    06-25-2005 11:59 AM Go to last post
  30. Riders

    A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?" The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:58 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,749
    06-25-2005 11:58 AM Go to last post
  31. No drop

    Two guys were playing a game of golf and were all square on the 18th. The first guy sliced his waaayyyy off the the left, and the ball came to rest on the cart path. His opponent smashed it straight down the middle. "Oh well," said the 1st player, "I should get a drop off there." "Hell no," said...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:57 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,198
    06-25-2005 11:57 AM Go to last post
  32. Lamaze class

    The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:57 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 7,518
    06-25-2005 11:57 AM Go to last post
  33. Jack was not feeling well

    Jack was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Pat had to go and get the test results from the doctor. "Now Pat, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Jack may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. ...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:56 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,877
    06-25-2005 11:56 AM Go to last post
  34. Tacos on the course

    Eating tacos, burritos and enchiritos while trying to nail that ball with your 3 wood is perhaps the most daunting challenge of all. It is however very easily achieved if you are prepared to do a little work beforehand. Simply throw all of your foodstuffs and the contents of one (1) can of your...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:55 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,476
    06-25-2005 11:55 AM Go to last post
  35. The priest and the pro

    This local parish priest decides he's going to improve his game the next time he plays. When he goes into the proshop he asks the pro if he could play a round with him, just to get a few pointers. The pro agrees and leaves the shop with the priest. All through the round the pro gives the priest...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:54 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 7,326
    06-25-2005 11:54 AM Go to last post
  36. deep in the Amazon

    For months the archaeologist had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place's extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:52 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,539
    06-25-2005 11:52 AM Go to last post
  37. My wife is watching

    A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:51 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,303
    06-25-2005 11:51 AM Go to last post
  38. Alien observers

    An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course. Two aliens were watching a solitary golfer practicing on a golf course. This was a new golfer and they watched in amazement. The golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough into the fairway, slice...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:50 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,757
    06-25-2005 11:50 AM Go to last post
  39. St. Peter

    Three men who had been avid golfers all their lives, were at the gates of heaven. St. Peter told them that past the gates of heaven was the greatest golf course ever created. He also said that you would be given a set of golf clubs based on how faithful you had been in your life. The first man went...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:44 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,788
    06-25-2005 11:44 AM Go to last post
  40. Fore

    A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking towards his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:43 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 3,233
    06-25-2005 11:43 AM Go to last post
  41. at the driving range

    A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!" "Hey,...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:42 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 6,153
    06-25-2005 11:42 AM Go to last post
  42. Talking to god

    A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing. Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:42 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,681
    06-25-2005 11:42 AM Go to last post
  43. standing too close to your ball

    After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:41 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 4,152
    06-25-2005 11:41 AM Go to last post
  44. grandfather and grandson

    A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a long high...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:40 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,314
    06-25-2005 11:40 AM Go to last post
  45. New ball

    I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:40 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,251
    06-25-2005 11:40 AM Go to last post
  46. Deaf

    A man, playing alone walks up to the tee and asked the foursome in front of him if he could play through. The problem is the man is deaf and he couldn't talk. He ended up writing his request on a piece of paper and gave it to the foursome, at which one of the golfers tore the paper up and laughed...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:39 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,249
    06-25-2005 11:39 AM Go to last post
  47. First Tee

    A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the club house. The ball was sitting about 2 feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, set up silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said,"...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:38 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,384
    06-25-2005 11:38 AM Go to last post
  48. God and the devil

    God and the devil decided to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The devil drew honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive 280 yards that split the fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight out of bounds into the woods. The ball bounced madly off...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:38 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,649
    06-25-2005 11:38 AM Go to last post
  49. A priest, Jesus, and an old man.

    A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole. Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole. The old man tees off with a short worm burner that...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:37 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,776
    06-25-2005 11:37 AM Go to last post
  50. what shall I do?"

    James swung at his tee shot, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet. "Good heavens" exclaimed...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:36 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,291
    06-25-2005 11:36 AM Go to last post

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