Forum: Golf Jokes

In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.. By It's Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT THE PUBLIC GOLF COURSE (Amherst, Mass.) Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: What are your green fees? Staff: 38 dollars. Caller: Does that include golf? ------------------------------------------------- ...

:-) Subject: Golf Book Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last 4 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book. I am very proud of the results and to assist with the marketing, I am asking friends and family to help me out. I believe my new book on...

http://www.cincinnati.com/golf/golfquiz/html/brand.htm

Had a good chuckle with this one. Thought I'd share. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vrxYLjkRkQ

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in...

can't remember the exact writing... Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game and is welcomed with a "Hi Honey, how was your golf game" from his wife. Fred answer's "Awful, Harry dropped dead on the tenth hole". "Oh my dear, that's terrible" replies his wife. "You're telling me, the...

http://www.maniacworld.com/funny-golf-bloopers.html

An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" I'm Scottish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMa02LjDmHE&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Etotalprosports%2Ecom%2Fblog%2Findex%2Ephp%2F2009%2F05%2Fdavid%2Dfeherty%2Dasks%2Dhey%2Dtiger%2Ddo%2Dyou%2Dfeel%2Dlike%2Da%2Dloser%2F&feature=player_embedded :laughing::laughing::laughing:

The funniest part of the song "my putter alone cost a thousand bucks". http://members.shaw.ca/stephen.sutherland/golf.html

A fellow was invited by a friend to play a round of golf at the latter's country club. However, he somehow wandered into the women's locker room and shower area. He was under a shower when he heard the locker room door open, followed by the sound of female voices. He waited a bit, hoping the...

Dear Abby: I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot...

20 absolute laws of golf 1: No matter how bad your last shot was it won't be your worst. 2: After playing your best round of golf you can be sure that your next round will be one of your worst. The probability of this law coming true increases with the number of people you tell...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Connie ...Connie': 'Is that...

The Starz bunnies do Caddy Shack in 30 seconds... http://www.angryalien.com/aa/caddyshackbuns.asp

http://members.shaw.ca/stephen.sutherland/golf.html :)

David Feherty "I was always pervertedly fond of the way Corey Pavin played, even though losing to the Chaplin-esque chopper is like getting your ass kicked by a grinning garden gnome."

Anyone have one? http://www.hockeystickputters.com/

Did one of our members write this? I have at least one of our frequent visitors in mind. :-) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osD2U-s8i6E&feature=related

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. I've witnessed the usual signals; the phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yxv7ixTymik bet he was waiting at 6am!

Hey this is the club you need right here for those times (Now I know not many of you drive it wildly :-)) when you are in the deep rough after missing a fairway! BIG DADDY DRIVER :laughing::laughing:

New Golf Rules for seniors I thought you would want to know. The CARP Organization (Canadian Association of Retired People) has negotiated with the USGA & the Canadian Golf Association to modify the Rules of Golf for seniors, effective January 1, 2008. Rule 1.a.5

Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to...

A recent study has revealed that a hardy golfer walks approximately 900 miles per year. Another study has revealed that a hardy golfer drinks on an average 22 gallons of beer each golf season. We can safely conclude that a hardy golfer gets approximately 41 miles per gallon!! Have a...

http://www.golf.com/golf/video/article/0,28224,1720077,00.html

:bored: No matter how depressed you you are at the prospect that we may have a late season opening, and therefore need to swing a club to avoid having to take anti-depressants, don't do it in the Living Room, go to the Garage.:grumpy: :wallbash Just swong my beautiful new Tour Edge Exotics CG1...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde...

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently; although when I ask their names...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots. Shank, chili-dip, skull, duck-hook, worm-burner, etc. Here are some new ones to add to your vocabulary. A *Paris Hilton* - a very expensive hole.A *James Joyce* - putt that's an impossible read.A *Rock Hudson * -it looked...

Lloyd was teeing off from the back tees. On his down-swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Jean, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball, hit Jean directly in the right temple, killing her instantly. A few days later...

A husband and wife went for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,...

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,"...

Here's some things to try when you are bored this winter... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBMxW9B3lpc

New golf book - just in time for Xmas. > > Table of Contents: > > Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt >

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes, and pours...

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at Sawgrass in Ponte Verde , Fla. Exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something he had tried hundreds of times...

Thought some of you may find this helpful!

"Hi my name is Bill and I'm a Golfer..." While some like to debate whether golf is a game or a sport, I'm debating whether golf is a sport or a drug. From The Addiction Research Foundation here are 10 indicators of an addiction Unusual flare-ups or outbreaks of temper (every second shot) ...

Wow! this little guy looks good :) Hope Dad doesn't push him too much. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLZ7ZbxAcvo

BC & GOLF

FYI… A recent study found the average Canadian golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadian golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadian golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the two-some. They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched,...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies,...

> > A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple > of strokes. > > "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to > himself. > > > > Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and > > whispers, "Would you be willing to give up...

Good-Bye A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, ...