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Forum: Golf Jokes

Good clean fun

  1. Sticky Thread Sticky: PG rated golf jokes only please

    PG rated golf jokes only please.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 11-20-2005 06:07 AM
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  1. Motion to Bar a Player

    Motion to Bar a Player WHEREAS Sufferin' Heights Golf Club is a registered privately owned non-profit corporation, hereinafter referred to as "the Club" with the exception of Ladies' Night when it shall be referred to as "Delores"; WHEREAS the accused, ZXZX, sometimes plays golf at the Club,...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:25 AM
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  2. Reflections on 1923

    Reflections on 1923 * Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:25 AM
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  3. Ten Golf Rules

    For Good Players Whose Scores Would Reflect Their Ability If Only They Got A Lucky Break Once In A While. 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering to the right or to the...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:27 AM
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  4. Business & Golf

    Business & Golf The Ten Commandments I. The object of playing the game is to impress; perception is more important than reality. II. When playing with superiors you must pre-determine the outcome of the match. III. Observance of the Rules and Etiquette of Golf is mandatory whenever you...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:28 AM
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  5. Guide to The Non-Playing Expert

    Guide to The Non-Playing Expert and Other Golf Characters As if assigned by nature, it just so happens that every golf club in the world has one member who knows it all and has done it all. These are usually perfectly honorable folks whose only abnormality is a high balata count in their blood. ...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:29 AM
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  6. Unusual Tournaments

    The Four-Club Challenge In post-war Tokyo golf clubs were so rare they were rationed, but this did not stop golfers from enjoying the game. Players in this tournament are limited to four golf clubs for each round, one of which must be a putter. Once you've played with only four clubs, you find out...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:38 AM
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  7. Only in the USA:

    Dale L. Larson's $41,000 trial-court award was upheld by a Wisconsin appeals court in October, which agreed with the trial court that the Indianhead golf course in Wausau was 51 percent responsible for Larson's needing nine root canals and 23 dental crowns. Larson tripped on his golf spikes and...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:39 AM
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  8. Nice Shot!

    When Neville Rowlanson, 56, teed off on the first hole at a golf course in Suffolk, England, his drive deflected off a marker in front of the tee. The ball then caromed to the right, went 25 yards, struck the pin on the 18th green and dropped into the cup. Golf World magazine called the feat a...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:39 AM
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  9. A German Tourist

    Supposedly on a golf holiday to England, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:39 AM
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  10. Broken Shaft:

    In 1951, Edward Harrison was playing at the Inglewood Country Club in Seattle, when the shaft of his driver broke and pierced his groin. He staggered 100 yards before he collapsed and bled to death.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:40 AM
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  11. Heavy Armor:

    In 1912, Harry Dearth played a match at Bushey Hall in England while wearing a complete suite of heavy armor. He lost the match.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:41 AM
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  12. Bar Chip Shot

    During an Amateur Stroke Play event in 1974, Nigel Denham hit his second shot straight into the clubhouse where it bounced its way to the men's bar. Since it was not considered out of bounds, Denham opened a window and pitched the ball from the bar onto the green, 12 feet from the hole.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:41 AM
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    • Views: 4,024
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  13. Dead Seagulls

    On the first hole of his qualifying round for the 1935 Society of One Armed Golfers' championship, J.W. Perret killed a seagull with his first approach shot. He matched the feat with his second approach shot as well.

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:41 AM
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  14. Mooo

    A farmer in Germany certainly said a mouthful in 1994 when he filed a lawsuit against the owners of a neighbouring golf club for what he claimed were the murders of 30 of his cows. He filed the suit after a veterinarian investigating the death of the cows found a golf ball lodged in the throat of...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:42 AM
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    • Views: 3,750
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  15. The Laws Of Golf

    Pine trees eat golf balls. Hazards attract; fairways repel. It's not a gimme if you're still away. Aim for the bunker, you'll never hit it. A putt cannot be wished into the cup. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie. It rains only when you...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:42 AM
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  16. How to Line up Your 4th Putt

    Here is a new Golf Book that might make for interesting reading for some of you. The title is "How to Line up Your 4th Putt" by BOBBY RUSHER. Here are some of the more notable chapters: A. How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee. B. How to avoid the water...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:44 AM
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  17. The Pro is my Shepherd

    The Pro is my Shepherd The Pro is my Shepherd, I shall not Slice. He maketh me to Drive Straight Down Green Fairways; He leadeth me Safely across Still Water-Hazards;

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:45 AM
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  18. Clichés

    Homesick Gopher - a putted ball that goes straight in without using the lip. Cellophane Bridge - a putt that goes right over top of the hole. Grow hair / Grow fangs / Hit a House / Deploy The Chute - what you yell at a putt that needs to slow down In Northern Ontario - Hit a Moose is popular...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 10:47 AM
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  19. I don't play golf with Dean anymore

    My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:26 AM
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  20. Gorilla

    There were these two guys who played golf together frequently. The one guy was several strokes better than the other guy, but the lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. Finally, one Saturday morning he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:27 AM
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  21. Procession

    I was playing a round with an older fella and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot omn the 3rd tee he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared. I said, "That's really...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:27 AM
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  22. Olde Angus

    A young American golf fanatic six months new to the game decided to make the trip of a lifetime to Scotland, the Holy land of golf. Upon his arrival he quickly headed out to the course and arranged a tee time for a short time later. As per his PGA teaching professional's instructions, he requested...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:28 AM
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  23. Long round

    I knew four guys in my old neighborhood who used to play EVERY Saturday no matter what. The course they played stayed open all year round even when there was snow on the ground. I asked him whether he used an orange ball when he played in the snow, and he told me that when the snow was deep enough,...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:28 AM
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  24. Barn doors

    The man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green. When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot. About six months later the...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:30 AM
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  25. Can't Loose

    A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?" "Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough,...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:31 AM
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  26. shipwrecked

    A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo, and I am verra...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:31 AM
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  27. Partners

    Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:32 AM
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  28. Somersaults

    A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together.The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:33 AM
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  29. would you

    A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?" "I would!" "And would you let her come into my house?" "I would!" "Would she be working in my kitchen?" "She would!" "Would she sleep in my bed?" "She would!" "Would she put her clothes in my press?" "She would!"

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:33 AM
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  30. P-u-t-t

    The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:34 AM
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  31. golf fanatic and a religious man

    Tom was a golf fanatic and a religious man as well. He would always play golf on the weekends and also make sure he went to church. Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling rather poorly, he remarked to his wife, "I sure hope there is golf in the after-life, I feel terrible!" To which...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:35 AM
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  32. what shall I do?"

    James swung at his tee shot, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet. "Good heavens" exclaimed...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:36 AM
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  33. A priest, Jesus, and an old man.

    A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole. Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole. The old man tees off with a short worm burner that...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:37 AM
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    • Views: 2,452
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  34. God and the devil

    God and the devil decided to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The devil drew honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive 280 yards that split the fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight out of bounds into the woods. The ball bounced madly off...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:38 AM
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  35. First Tee

    A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the club house. The ball was sitting about 2 feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, set up silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said,"...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:38 AM
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  36. Deaf

    A man, playing alone walks up to the tee and asked the foursome in front of him if he could play through. The problem is the man is deaf and he couldn't talk. He ended up writing his request on a piece of paper and gave it to the foursome, at which one of the golfers tore the paper up and laughed...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:39 AM
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  37. New ball

    I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:40 AM
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  38. grandfather and grandson

    A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a long high...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:40 AM
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  39. standing too close to your ball

    After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:41 AM
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  40. Talking to god

    A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing. Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:42 AM
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  41. at the driving range

    A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!" "Hey,...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:42 AM
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    • Views: 5,349
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  42. Fore

    A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking towards his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:43 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,800
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  43. St. Peter

    Three men who had been avid golfers all their lives, were at the gates of heaven. St. Peter told them that past the gates of heaven was the greatest golf course ever created. He also said that you would be given a set of golf clubs based on how faithful you had been in your life. The first man went...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:44 AM
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  44. Alien observers

    An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course. Two aliens were watching a solitary golfer practicing on a golf course. This was a new golfer and they watched in amazement. The golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough into the fairway, slice...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:50 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,362
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  45. My wife is watching

    A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:51 AM
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    • Views: 2,839
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  46. deep in the Amazon

    For months the archaeologist had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place's extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:52 AM
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    • Views: 2,226
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  47. The priest and the pro

    This local parish priest decides he's going to improve his game the next time he plays. When he goes into the proshop he asks the pro if he could play a round with him, just to get a few pointers. The pro agrees and leaves the shop with the priest. All through the round the pro gives the priest...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:54 AM
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    • Views: 5,877
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  48. Tacos on the course

    Eating tacos, burritos and enchiritos while trying to nail that ball with your 3 wood is perhaps the most daunting challenge of all. It is however very easily achieved if you are prepared to do a little work beforehand. Simply throw all of your foodstuffs and the contents of one (1) can of your...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:55 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 2,170
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  49. Jack was not feeling well

    Jack was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Pat had to go and get the test results from the doctor. "Now Pat, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Jack may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. ...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:56 AM
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    • Views: 2,566
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  50. Lamaze class

    The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise...

    Started by Kilroy‎, 06-25-2005 11:57 AM
    • Replies: 0
    • Views: 5,870
    06-25-2005 11:57 AM Go to last post

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