Make me laugh
In this forum we want PG rated jokes only. If you can't tell it at the dinner table, please don't tell it here.
To good not to share.
THIS IS A NON PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the...
When I came home from golfing today, the wife had left a note on the fridge:
"It's not working, gone to stay with my mother. I can't take it anymore."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?
“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong"
“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”
“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”
“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”
“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”
A farmer had 5 female pigs and times were getting tough, so he went to the country fair to sell his pigs. At the fair, he came across a farmer who had 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The two farmers lived 60 miles away from each other so...
Had to share this, made us all chuckle this morning at the office.
Go Habs Go:-)
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15...
I’m a little worried because I accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles at lunch today..
And the next trip to the washroom could spell DISASTER
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shotgun shack: “Talking Dog For Sale”. He knocks and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting...
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go...
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was...
I thought you’d get a kick out of this. It’s a viral forum thread about a rather fascinating build. Give it a few pages at least as it gets pretty odd as it progresses, to say the very least. :-)
This is not a joke.... but the comments are certainly funny
If a company becomes incorporated, it is considered a legal ‘person’;
So I was wondering.... could an individual marry a company???
The answer is yes! In the USA you can marry a company, but first you must prove you are not gay.
Fourguys have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year,
Ralph'swife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Andthus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news.
Twodays later, the 3 other guys arrive at the resort to begin their
yearlygolf getaway. And of...
A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and
then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again
cheers "RUN RUN".
Our Father, who art in heaven
hallowed be thy Name,
thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this week our weekly rain
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in...
Read posts #11 and #16
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to take a leak.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
Law of Probability - The probability of...
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a...
On the first day, Bill sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, Bill had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; put on some music and feasted...
When jack bauer lost his car keys, he tortured himslef for 30 minutes until he knew the exact location of the keys. Chuck Norris stole his keys and his car.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. The boogeyman checks his closet for
Jack Bauer. Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people....
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her...
█████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found.
Season "Spring" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might
have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily...
Saw this on another golf forum and just had to share:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were out in the yard shouting, ' 13....13....13. '
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with...
A lawyer, from London , runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow...
So I'm not sure if this is in the right section but it's humorous so it should be fine.
I think we all need to learn this swing:
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever...
Buzz Killington: Now, here's a fellow attempting to ride a bicycle. But he's having some trouble, isn't he? And do you know why?
Peter: (Sighs) Why?
Buzz Killington: Because he's a Scot! (laughs) Now, who here likes a good story about a bridge?
Buzz Killington: I've quite a mastery...
On most nights, my girlfriend and I sleep in separate rooms. She likes to have the tv on while she sleeps, i like quiet darkness. I snore, she doesn't share the bed; anyways you get the idea.
The other day I took my Scotty Cameron SS Newport 2 with me to bed. I was feeling the shape of it in...
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. When he steps in, he can't believe his eyes. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap, and a wall with a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
They’re a perfect match. . . He’s a Chiropractor and she’s a pain in the neck.
They’re a perfect match. . . He’s a funny old goat and she’s a great kidder.
They’re a perfect match. . . He doesn’t have a dollar and she has no sense.
Click on DK:lmfao
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talkin Dawg Fer Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever...
This is hilarious...
Rick and Julie are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
Rick picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Julie
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands Julie, and so they carry on...
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