Only a guy would do this...

[bobjones59]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
> that sparked my interest.
> The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
> something extra for my wife Julie.
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
> The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
> adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
> retreat to safety....??
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
> it home.
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed.
> I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a
> metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
> back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!!
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
> face of her microwave.
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
> soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
> to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
> and then thought better of it.
> She is such a sweet cat.
> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
> a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
> Am I wrong?
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
> tazer in another.
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
> spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst
> would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
> of water.
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
> than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
> batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst
> from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
> I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
> WHAT THE... !!!
> I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
> and over again.
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
> my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
> and tingling in my legs!
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
> to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
> to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note
> of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap
> yourself!
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
> violent thrashing about on the floor!
> A three second burst would be considered conservative!
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
> point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
> landscape.
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
> The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
> originally was.
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
> weighed 88 lbs.
> I had no control over the drooling.
> Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
> sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
> I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my
> hair.
> I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for
> their safe return!
> PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
> now regularly threatens me with it!
> If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[kilmidyke]

The funniest thing I've read or heard in a very long time.
Thanks Jeff, I needed that.