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Tiger Woods Enjoying His Last Bit of Dominance Until Michelle Wie Starts Crushing Him
Tiger Woods capped off his dominant victory in last weekend’s Buick Open with a powerful fist-pump on the 18th green – a sign he is fully aware he must savor each and every victory because with the greatest golfer ever, Michelle Wie, on his heels, Woods winning a tournament will soon be a rare occurrence.
“Sunday was a big victory for me,” said Woods. “It got me to a milestone, 50 PGA wins, and that’s important to me since I have a feeling I’m not going to reach anymore milestones in my career. For I, like all other golfers, am at the mercy of Michelle Wie. Throughout the rest of my career I’ll just be playing for second.”
Wie, the nearly 17-year-old super-phenom, is – by almost all accounts – destined to be the greatest golfer and most dominant athlete ever. “The run at the top for Tiger Woods is all but over,” says golf analyst Johnny Miller. “Everywhere I turn it’s Michelle Wie. Billboards, TV commercials, print ads – and ESPN talks about her non-stop. So she must be really awesome, because if all that’s not the mark of a great one, then I don’t know what is.”
Woods says the tears he shed after winning the British Open last month was not so much because of the emotion of winning without his recently-deceased father – as most assumed – but because he figured the win would be his last-ever major title due to Wie’s impending dominance.
“I’ve worked so hard since I was a little kid to be a great golfer, and I realized at the end of the British Open that my time at the top is pretty much over,” he said. “The emotions just spilled out. And then I was so ashamed because I thought that Michelle Wie would perceive my crying as a weakness and use it to destroy me even more. So that started the sobbing. I just pray she shows mercy on me. And I want her to know that I’ll see it as an honor to play with her and be beaten by her. Who knows, maybe I can even learn by watching her play and it will allow me to lose by a little less. But I hope she doesn’t take that as disrespect. I mean, I’m still competitive. It’s just that I’m resigned to what’s inevitable. I see the writing on the wall.”
But Wie’s preeminence has not just had an effect on Woods. Phil Mickelson has heard Wie’s footsteps, too.
“People still ask me what happened on the 72nd hole at the U.S. Open, and I’ll tell you the truth: it was Michelle Wie. She was in my head,” says Mickelson. “Everything was going well and then I realized this was probably my last chance to win a major since Michelle will be winning them all soon. And I choked and pushed my drive way left. Then I was in deep rough with a tree in front of me. I should have punched out on to the fairway, but I thought, WWMD – ‘What Would Michelle Do’ – like I always do when I’m in a tough spot and decided to go for the green and hit it over the tree. But the thing is, I forgot to remember that I’m not as great as Michelle and therefore can’t pull off a shot like that. So I muffed it, and before I knew it I had lost the Open.”
Wie, coming off a 26th place finish – 13 strokes behind the winner – at the women’s British Open, says she will begin her assault on the men’s tour and begin accumulating majors there as soon as she is granted an exemption into every men’s major.
“Women’s golf is so easy for me, I can’t keep my concentration,” says Wie. “Like, their courses are so short and their greens are so flat I get bored. It’s a waste of my time to put in the effort to win. I’m just going to wait to win until I’m given an exemption into The Masters and the U.S. Open and all the other majors. Then I’ll really try. And I think I deserve an exemption because I’m so awesome. I mean, all of my handlers say it’s true, so it must be. Plus, I have a big Nike contract and everything.”






Mickelson Expects Breast Reduction Surgery to Pay Off at British Open by Mark McGuriman
SportsPickle.com submission
Golfer and US Open runner-up Phil Mickelson underwent man-breast reduction surgery last month in hopes of winning his first major championship at this week’s British Open.
Following another disappointing finish at the U.S. Open, Mickelson decided the surgery to diminish his unsightly breasts was necessary.
"Following my third round bogey at 18, my coach noticed my balance problem on the tee," Mickelson said. "He said my upper body was swaying on the follow through and he noticed a jiggling when walking from tee to ball and green to tee."
Mickelson watched tape of his rounds on the Monday following the U.S. Open and indeed noticed his chest was wobbly. He consulted with his wife and decided it was best to get the surgery.
"Hopefully, the surgery will make my swing a little more even and take some of the pressure off of my back," Mickelson said. "I need to concentrate on getting my form back in time for the British Open"
Many of Mickelson’s PGA Tour colleagues are awaiting to see how he plays at the British Open before reducing their own man boobs. Craig Stadler, John Daly and Vijay Singh are all looking into the procedure.
"I'll take a look at the after pictures of Phil and hopefully get a look at him in the clubhouse," Daly said. "If his breasts recede and he plays well, then I'm all over it!"








Report: Tiger Woods to Skip Masters to Stay Home and Have Sex with His Fiance




Tiger Woods will reportedly skip next week’s Masters golf tournament in order to stay at home and have sex with his beautiful Swedish underwear model fiancé, Elin Nordegren.
“Tiger is aware of the prestige of the Masters and of how much his presence means to the tournament and the sport as a whole,” said a source close to the three-time Masters winner. “But he is also fully aware of what his fiancé looks like naked, and I don’t think any of us can blame him if he just wants to stay at his home in Orlando and screw around all week.”
Woods’s decision comes just days after he finished a disappointing 16th at The Players Championship, his second consecutive finish outside of the top 15 in a slump that has stretched over the past two years.
“If Tiger was playing really well or if he was defending a Masters title he may have played next week,” said the source, “but I really doubt it. His fiancé is totally hot and there’s probably nothing that could pull him away from an opportunity to hit that.”
Woods’s surprise move leaves the Masters and tournament broadcaster CBS without their marquee attraction, lowering expectations for the season’s first major. Yet representatives from both organizations said that while disappointed, they understand Woods’s decision.
“We love Tiger, but a man has to have his priorities,” said Hootie Johnson, chairman of Augusta National. “Heck, if we had some chick who looked like his fiancé who wanted to join here we’d give a membership in a heartbeat, as long she dressed slutty, of course.”
“We are not happy with the decision and are sure it will hurt ratings, but I’d be a fool if I said I wouldn’t do the same thing if I were in his shoes,” said Sean McManus, president of CBS Sports. “We’re hoping we can recoup our ratings losses by broadcasting an Elin Nordegren swimsuit special at some point down the road.”
But Augusta National and CBS aren’t the only interested parties in Woods’s unprecedented withdrawal, his myriad sponsors have a stake in his success, as well. And others worry that Woods’s decision to engage in a week of pre-marital sex could affect his wholesome image, further hindering his marketability. But the source close to Woods doesn’t think that will happen. “Tiger and Elin have been living together for a while,” he said. “They’ve gone on vacation together a few times and everything. They’re not hiding anything. Anyone who thinks they’re not getting it on is living in a dream world.”
While most in the golf world completely understand Woods putting sex with Nordegren above golf, some point out the fact that his new priorities could backfire on him.
“After another mediocre showing last week, there’s no doubt now in anybody’s mind that his game has been affected for the worse by his relationship with her,” said Gary McCord, a golf commentator for CBS. “But he needs to remember that he got her because he was the greatest player in the world, not because he’s a looker – he surely isn’t that. So if he doesn’t watch himself on the course he’ll probably lose her. But heck, maybe he’s just getting it while he can. He’s no idiot.”


Tiger’s Vast Fleet of Buicks Easing Him Through Slump
Feeling sorry for Tiger Woods as he experiences the first slump of his career? Don’t.
“My many Buicks are getting me through this rough patch,” said Woods, a longtime Buick pitchman, after finishing tied for 20th at the U.S. Open. “A guy with a Buick can’t have it all that bad, am I right? Especially when I’m able to drive a car with the luxurious stylings of the Buick LeSabre, America’s best-selling full size car.”
Woods, who is worth a reported $54 million, said his most prized possession is his 1987 Buick Skylark. “Now there’s a fine piece of machinery. Sure the radio knobs fell off years ago and the cloth on the interior ceiling is drooping and hits me in the forehead, but they just don’t make cars like that anymore. Buick truly is the ‘Spirit of American Style.’ And because I have access to so many of these fine automobiles, I know my game will work itself out. Buicks truly inspire me.”





ABC Apologizes for Mickelson Breast-Baring Stunt


Chris DiMarco and Phil Mickelson walk up the 18th fairway moments after DiMarco tore away part of Mickelson’s shirt, revealing his right breast. Mickelson is seen throwing the ripped piece of his shirt to the ground.

Phil Mickelson stunned and disgusted millions of television viewers on Sunday with a shirt-ripping publicity stunt that revealed his right breast as he walked up the final fairway at the FBR Open. ABC, who televised the tournament, and Mickelson both apologized for the incident, saying it was caused by a “golf shirt malfunction.” The scene occurred as Mickelson and playing partner Chris DiMarco were talking while they walked up the 18th fairway, minutes before completing a round that would see Mickelson finish seventh and DiMarco second behind winner Jonathan Kaye. As the pair neared the green and cameras focused in on them, DiMarco suddenly reached over Mickelson’s shoulder and tore away a piece of his shirt, revealing one of Mickelson’s notoriously flubby breasts; his nipple obscured by a sun-shaped, metal decoration. Mickelson seemed shocked and covered himself for a moment before having a laugh with DiMarco and putting out.
“I was completely blind-sided by what happened,” said Mickelson. “Chris and I have played together before and nothing like this has ever happened. It was not at all something that we planned. I deeply apologize to anyone who was offended or made nauseous by what they saw.”
ABC’s statement, released minutes after the tournament concluded, read as follows: “ABC deeply regrets the incident that occurred. There was no indication that any such thing would happen. However, please note that it was a man’s breast, which is not considered obscene in our society. Indeed – it was extremely gross to see Phil’s breast like that, but nothing that was televised during Sunday’s broadcast was against FCC standards.”
While Mickelson, DiMarco and ABC expressed shock at what occurred, many doubt it could have happened without their prior knowledge and approval.
“It is too great a coincidence that the breast of one of golf’s most marketable and well-endowed players, who was playing in the last group on a Sunday, could suddenly come bounding out of his shirt on the 18th fairway,” said Leonard Mandle, a senior writer for ‘Golf Digest.’ “It was a despicable publicity stunt – the sort I thought the golf world would never dip to.”
The PGA Tour also expressed disgust with the display, asking for “forgiveness from all the viewers who saw it” and demanding that “Mickelson at least do a handful of push-ups from time to time – please!” in an official statement.
Gallery members who followed the Mickelson-DiMarco-Kaye threesome on Sunday report they heard Mickelson and DiMarco talking about doing something “shocking” after both fell out of contention with bogeys on the 16th hole.
“I saw Phil and DiMarco using a golf tee to fray the fabric around his right breast as they were on the tee box on both 17 and 18,” said Marge Radler, who followed the group on Sunday. “They were definitely planning something. It was no accident.”
“I think with it being Super Bowl Sunday and with Tiger Woods not playing in the tournament the PGA wanted to do something outrageous to get some media attention on its early-season schedule,” said ‘Golf Digest’s’ Mandle. “And when Mickelson and DiMarco knew they weren’t going to win the tournament, they went ahead with the plan.”
ABC was contacted by FCC chief Michael Powell on Monday to express disappointment over the incident, but Powell said the Commission would take no action against ABC because “no rules were broken. While Mickelson’s breast looked womanly, it by definition is not and topless men are permitted to be televised. We can only ask that ABC show more taste next time.”
Mandle agreed. “They achieved their goal of creating a buzz around the tournament,” he said, “but it’s the bad kind of buzz. I think golf fans were content not knowing what Mickelson looks like under his golf shirts. Now we no longer have that luxury and frankly, it’s sickening.”

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Man-Oh-Man. What great sports stories you find!!!