Still holding my guts over this one!!!

[faldo]

Subject: Stun gun....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by
a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long- term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple- a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
could not be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting ittle
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I will do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I cannot be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I am still looking for my testicles? I am offering a
significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock

[Kilroy]

Great stuff! It totally didn't matter that you could see it coming! Very well written.

[kerisb]

ROFLMAO!!!!! Wow that is a good one!!! Will be laughing all day about it, then having to explain to people what is so funny!!! Would love to meet this genius, could probably talk him into doing anything!! But really probably something most of us would try ourselves, just not tell anyone about it!!!! Ok, Ok I know most of you are thinking......no way would I do that, but just picture yourself alone iin the house unwrapping this thing and wondering if it really works...........curiousity would get the best of you, and you would try it......although I will admit there are probably a few of you in here that would have tried it on Gracie instead!!!! Still ROFLMAO!!!!

[Go_Leafs_Go]

Thats a funny one.

[dH]

This story is so crazy; it must be one of Thotho's friends!

[bugsy]

Still in shock[/quote]

Where can I get one of those

[Hacker]

This story is so crazy; it must be one of Thotho's friends!

Or a Leaf fan

[Indio]

Still in shock

Where can I get one of those [/quote]


This is the hardest I have laughed in many years! I had tears coming down my cheeks and I couldn't catch me breath! That is until I saw this part of the post! Now not only do I have to sleep on the couch, but I have to do it with one bloody eye open all night JUST IN CASE!

[LobWedge]

Or a Leaf fan

Nah, we only use those on Sens fans.

[faldo]

Cheers to all....

Nice to see there are a few others that appreciate my "Kind-Of-Humour".

Just try to read it out loud without breaking into tears all over again. I've now tried a dozen times but my eyes start watering about two sentences in.

I'll give you the "Chili-Cook-Off" in a couple of days. It's twice as priceless!!!!!!

[Indio]

Cheers to all....

Nice to see there are a few others that appreciate my "Kind-Of-Humour".

Just try to read it out loud without breaking into tears all over again. I've now tried a dozen times but my eyes start watering about two sentences in.

I'll give you the "Chili-Cook-Off" in a couple of days. It's twice as priceless!!!!!!

Faldo you head!!! I couldn't sleep last night cause I was chuckling all night long!

[faldo]

Gives you more time for GOLF!!!

[Indio]

Gives you more time for GOLF!!!

Ya with a flashlight

[little brit]

OMG I just read it out loud to my husband. I could hardly read it laughing so hard with tears pouring down my cheeks. It is even funnier when you read it out loud. It is really well written.