I have seen many of these scroll across the banner on this site but they are still pretty funny:
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THESE:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to
throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in
your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you
can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green
while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options:
you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear
and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is
to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always
possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the
instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you
to compensate for all of your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect
approach shot
A golf match is a test of your skill against your
opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .
For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he
breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a
golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a
very large tree..
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a
two inch branch 90% of the time
If you really want to get better at golf, go back
and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth
bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will
always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start
watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must
subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium
of the universe
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods
does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing,
multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20
mph , handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
One of my personal favorites:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your
back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many
hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel. Keep this in mind
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away
is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the
bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours
is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than
at 10:00 to mow the lawn
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a
golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because
you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly
worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the
game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're
sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around
the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand
traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he
shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
