Forum: Golf Jokes

Motion to Bar a Player WHEREAS Sufferin' Heights Golf Club is a registered privately owned non-profit corporation, hereinafter referred to as "the Club" with the exception of Ladies' Night when it shall be referred to as "Delores"; WHEREAS the accused, ZXZX, sometimes plays golf at the Club,...

Men: A putter plunger to help pick up your ball without bending over. If you can't bend over hire a caddy. Women: Those giant visors sometimes flaunting a bow on the front. They are WAY too big and obnoxious, and could be hazardous in a strong wind. Coloured golf balls. There is still some...

In 1951, Edward Harrison was playing at the Inglewood Country Club in Seattle, when the shaft of his driver broke and pierced his groin. He staggered 100 yards before he collapsed and bled to death.

During an Amateur Stroke Play event in 1974, Nigel Denham hit his second shot straight into the clubhouse where it bounced its way to the men's bar. Since it was not considered out of bounds, Denham opened a window and pitched the ball from the bar onto the green, 12 feet from the hole.

"Hi my name is Bill and I'm a Golfer..." While some like to debate whether golf is a game or a sport, I'm debating whether golf is a sport or a drug. From The Addiction Research Foundation here are 10 indicators of an addiction Unusual flare-ups or outbreaks of temper (every second shot) ...

Homesick Gopher - a putted ball that goes straight in without using the lip. Cellophane Bridge - a putt that goes right over top of the hole. Grow hair / Grow fangs / Hit a House / Deploy The Chute - what you yell at a putt that needs to slow down In Northern Ontario - Hit a Moose is popular...

A Rock Hudson Putt: Looks straight...but it ain't... Two ants sat on the grass watching a duffer dig up the course. One said to the other, “Let’s get on the ball before he kills us!” Two golfers are at the first tee: Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!'' Golfer...

My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"...

The man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green. When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot. About six months later the...

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?" "Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough,...

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo, and I am verra...

Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like...

A man, playing alone walks up to the tee and asked the foursome in front of him if he could play through. The problem is the man is deaf and he couldn't talk. He ended up writing his request on a piece of paper and gave it to the foursome, at which one of the golfers tore the paper up and laughed...

A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a long high...

After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!

A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing. Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his...

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking towards his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I...

Three men who had been avid golfers all their lives, were at the gates of heaven. St. Peter told them that past the gates of heaven was the greatest golf course ever created. He also said that you would be given a set of golf clubs based on how faithful you had been in your life. The first man went...

An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course. Two aliens were watching a solitary golfer practicing on a golf course. This was a new golfer and they watched in amazement. The golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough into the fairway, slice...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up...

This local parish priest decides he's going to improve his game the next time he plays. When he goes into the proshop he asks the pro if he could play a round with him, just to get a few pointers. The pro agrees and leaves the shop with the priest. All through the round the pro gives the priest...

Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots over there ice skating in this blizzard!"

Eating tacos, burritos and enchiritos while trying to nail that ball with your 3 wood is perhaps the most daunting challenge of all. It is however very easily achieved if you are prepared to do a little work beforehand. Simply throw all of your foodstuffs and the contents of one (1) can of your...

Jack was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Pat had to go and get the test results from the doctor. "Now Pat, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Jack may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. ...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise...

Two guys were playing a game of golf and were all square on the 18th. The first guy sliced his waaayyyy off the the left, and the ball came to rest on the cart path. His opponent smashed it straight down the middle. "Oh well," said the 1st player, "I should get a drop off there." "Hell no," said...

A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?" The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was...

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope...

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapses from a heart attack! 'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband. The husband runs off to find a doctor, and soon returns, picks up his putter, and lines up his shot. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him....

There was a country club which didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club...

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the...

After a life of golf, thinking he had a sound and consistent game, Fred has the worst round of his life. Not able to take it, he enters the locker room, grabs a fresh razor, climbs into the showers and slits his wrists to die in the stream of water and blood ... Just after doing the deed and...

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in...

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice...

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says:...

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he...

On a nice Saturday morning this summer I'm having a game with a man, 25 years old. Getting ready to put on the second hole, we see that woman running towards us in a wedding gown. The young man with me looks at her and says:" I told you: if it rains!"

10. I bent my shaft! 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first 3. My hands are so...

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a...

There was this guy who went golfing every day, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was he was hooked on a round of golf. One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home. His wife was...

I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8 I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping. Forget the...

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was...

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18...

A husband and wife had entered a golf contest, the object was each would alternately hit the ball. The husband teed off with a mighty drive just short of the green on the par four first hole. As his wife stepped up, he said, "Don't worry honey, just chip it anywhere on to the green." His wife...

It's a Gimmie

OK let's have some fun with pro golfers in photoshop!

http://www.footjoy.com/signboy/ :laughing:

http://www.golfresource.net/videos/Diver.wmv

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I...