Forum: Golf Jokes

During an Amateur Stroke Play event in 1974, Nigel Denham hit his second shot straight into the clubhouse where it bounced its way to the men's bar. Since it was not considered out of bounds, Denham opened a window and pitched the ball from the bar onto the green, 12 feet from the hole.

About 10 years ago my golf game had fallen into a state of disrepair, and I was determined to get to the bottom of what was wrong. Feeling my hand-eye coordination was at fault, I sought out the best ophthalmologist I could find, Dr. Robert Hepler. After a consultation, he wrote me a letter...

Freddy went to a career counselor to determine what field he should enter. After extensive testing, the counselor finally gave him the results. "Well, Fred, according to our tests, you are a sadistic psychopath who enjoys inflicting pain, misery and suffering on others. All in all, you'd be...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde...

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies,...

that you had to give up golfing or she would leave you .... Would you miss her?? :eek:

When Neville Rowlanson, 56, teed off on the first hole at a golf course in Suffolk, England, his drive deflected off a marker in front of the tee. The ball then caromed to the right, went 25 yards, struck the pin on the 18th green and dropped into the cup. Golf World magazine called the feat a...

The end of this is golf relevant...be aware, some uses of the F-word. http://www.hedonistica.com/media.php?path=/videos/robin_williams_on_golf.wmv

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,"...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yxv7ixTymik bet he was waiting at 6am!

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18...

In 1912, Harry Dearth played a match at Bushey Hall in England while wearing a complete suite of heavy armor. He lost the match.

Business & Golf The Ten Commandments I. The object of playing the game is to impress; perception is more important than reality. II. When playing with superiors you must pre-determine the outcome of the match. III. Observance of the Rules and Etiquette of Golf is mandatory whenever you...

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was...

Motion to Bar a Player WHEREAS Sufferin' Heights Golf Club is a registered privately owned non-profit corporation, hereinafter referred to as "the Club" with the exception of Ladies' Night when it shall be referred to as "Delores"; WHEREAS the accused, ZXZX, sometimes plays golf at the Club,...

> > A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple > of strokes. > > "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to > himself. > > > > Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and > > whispers, "Would you be willing to give up...

A MUST READ FOR YOU... HOW TO PLAY WINNING GOLF TABLE OF CONTENTS: Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Dunlop from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also...

After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!

David Feherty "I was always pervertedly fond of the way Corey Pavin played, even though losing to the Chaplin-esque chopper is like getting your ass kicked by a grinning garden gnome."

A farmer in Germany certainly said a mouthful in 1994 when he filed a lawsuit against the owners of a neighbouring golf club for what he claimed were the murders of 30 of his cows. He filed the suit after a veterinarian investigating the death of the cows found a golf ball lodged in the throat of...

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer . Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks "Golf...

Hmmmmmm Ever wonder why so many carts end up crashing? :laughing:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing every day. THE END :-) :-) :-)

This is how we speed up slow play in our neck of the woods! Very effective method and no one gets hurt. (Normally no one gets hurt :lmfao ) Plus, no one will argue with you, so you do not have those ugly scenes on the course! :laughing:

A good friend of mine emailed this to me, this is too funny! Why I deserve an exemption By John Garrity

Supposedly on a golf holiday to England, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A...

Guide to The Non-Playing Expert and Other Golf Characters As if assigned by nature, it just so happens that every golf club in the world has one member who knows it all and has done it all. These are usually perfectly honorable folks whose only abnormality is a high balata count in their blood. ...

The Four-Club Challenge In post-war Tokyo golf clubs were so rare they were rationed, but this did not stop golfers from enjoying the game. Players in this tournament are limited to four golf clubs for each round, one of which must be a putter. Once you've played with only four clubs, you find out...

An 85 year old man says to his doctor that he enjoys playing golf everyday but his vision is not was it used to be and often time looses sight of the ball after hitting it. The doctor suggest that another patient of his, a 90 year old man who as an excellent vision is always looking for new ways to...

A husband and wife went for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,...

...........................................Be Defined................................ Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the...

Dear Abby: I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot...

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes,and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced...

Saw this on another forum and it's too good a tip not to share. :-) http://www.jimmysreef.com/main.php/v/Videos/golftip.wmv.html

Lloyd was teeing off from the back tees. On his down-swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Jean, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball, hit Jean directly in the right temple, killing her instantly. A few days later...

Observed on the wall in the bar at Burning Tree, the men-only golf club for Washington DC's elite: Bar-Phone Fees: $1- "Not here" $2- "On his way out" $3- "Just left" $4- "Haven't seen him all day" $5- "Who?"

A recent study has revealed that a hardy golfer walks approximately 900 miles per year. Another study has revealed that a hardy golfer drinks on an average 22 gallons of beer each golf season. We can safely conclude that a hardy golfer gets approximately 41 miles per gallon!! Have a...

BC & GOLF

Dale L. Larson's $41,000 trial-court award was upheld by a Wisconsin appeals court in October, which agreed with the trial court that the Indianhead golf course in Wausau was 51 percent responsible for Larson's needing nine root canals and 23 dental crowns. Larson tripped on his golf spikes and...

So, I found this ... and didn't dare post it in the Rules forum.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHB5YDxUfJM&mode=related&search=

A husband and wife had entered a golf contest, the object was each would alternately hit the ball. The husband teed off with a mighty drive just short of the green on the par four first hole. As his wife stepped up, he said, "Don't worry honey, just chip it anywhere on to the green." His wife...

Table Of Contents: Chapter 1 How To Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 How To Hit A Nike From The Rough When You Hit A Titleist From The Tee Chapter 3 How To Avoid The Water When You Lie 8 In A Bunker

Three men who had been avid golfers all their lives, were at the gates of heaven. St. Peter told them that past the gates of heaven was the greatest golf course ever created. He also said that you would be given a set of golf clubs based on how faithful you had been in your life. The first man went...

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes, and pours...

http://www.footjoy.com/signboy/ :laughing: