Forum: Golf Jokes

A farmer in Germany certainly said a mouthful in 1994 when he filed a lawsuit against the owners of a neighbouring golf club for what he claimed were the murders of 30 of his cows. He filed the suit after a veterinarian investigating the death of the cows found a golf ball lodged in the throat of...

David Feherty "I was always pervertedly fond of the way Corey Pavin played, even though losing to the Chaplin-esque chopper is like getting your ass kicked by a grinning garden gnome."

Answer to Peter Jacobson’s thoughts,:scratchch “Do not expect more out of your golf game then what you put into it!”:thumbsup To lower ones score on the golf course without need of practice.:golf It is recommended that one has the most valuable and effective graphite shaft in their bag of...

Motion to Bar a Player WHEREAS Sufferin' Heights Golf Club is a registered privately owned non-profit corporation, hereinafter referred to as "the Club" with the exception of Ladies' Night when it shall be referred to as "Delores"; WHEREAS the accused, ZXZX, sometimes plays golf at the Club,...

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?"

:-) Subject: Golf Book Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last 4 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book. I am very proud of the results and to assist with the marketing, I am asking friends and family to help me out. I believe my new book on...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up...

I was talking to my friend on msn earlier today and this is the convo I've had with him (I'm Depe). He is also a memeber, but he reads.. doesn't post Depe J says: Congrats, that’s awesome. Hope you like the set, you got a wicked deal ARUN says: i can’t wait for my clubs ...

A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect A Rodney King - Over Clubbed An OJ Simpson - somehow got away with it A sister in law - up there, but I know that I shouldn't be A Paula Radcliffe - ugly but a good runner A Kate Moss - a bit thin Punching Gerry Adams - hitting a provisional...

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapses from a heart attack! 'Help me dear,' she groans to her husband. The husband runs off to find a doctor, and soon returns, picks up his putter, and lines up his shot. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him....

We're never too old to learn! Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet,...

I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he...

Hey this is the club you need right here for those times (Now I know not many of you drive it wildly :-)) when you are in the deep rough after missing a fairway! BIG DADDY DRIVER :laughing::laughing:

Table Of Contents: Chapter 1 How To Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 How To Hit A Nike From The Rough When You Hit A Titleist From The Tee Chapter 3 How To Avoid The Water When You Lie 8 In A Bunker

Thought some of you may find this helpful!

New Golf Rules for seniors I thought you would want to know. The CARP Organization (Canadian Association of Retired People) has negotiated with the USGA & the Canadian Golf Association to modify the Rules of Golf for seniors, effective January 1, 2008. Rule 1.a.5

http://www.footjoy.com/signboy/ :laughing:

Ok so you want more Tiger here you go... http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html

On a nice Saturday morning this summer I'm having a game with a man, 25 years old. Getting ready to put on the second hole, we see that woman running towards us in a wedding gown. The young man with me looks at her and says:" I told you: if it rains!"

When Neville Rowlanson, 56, teed off on the first hole at a golf course in Suffolk, England, his drive deflected off a marker in front of the tee. The ball then caromed to the right, went 25 yards, struck the pin on the 18th green and dropped into the cup. Golf World magazine called the feat a...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAzRa05eFEY&NR

Two guys were playing a game of golf and were all square on the 18th. The first guy sliced his waaayyyy off the the left, and the ball came to rest on the cart path. His opponent smashed it straight down the middle. "Oh well," said the 1st player, "I should get a drop off there." "Hell no," said...

BOOM!!! :cool http://www.golfchannel.com/media/sadlowski-destroys-simulator/

The end of this is golf relevant...be aware, some uses of the F-word. http://www.hedonistica.com/media.php?path=/videos/robin_williams_on_golf.wmv

A bit of a groan may be heard.

Ok you have to see this act and then you will know what the title of this post means! http://www.anothersite.co.uk/gallery/index.php?action=showpic&cat=7&pic=1113

In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.. By It's Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

On Sunday I'm playing golf and we hear an old couple having an arguement on the hole next to us. We couldn't hear what they were arguing about, but we heard the woman say "Why are you questioning me?!" Woman takes off, the man puts his head down and follows the woman. We had a good...

An old ball at the bottom of a golf bag is ranting and raving. "I'm sick of this" he says. "It's hot and dark in here, and I never seem to get taken out to play anymore" A nearby plastic tee shakes his head. "Unbelievable", he says. "A talking golf ball."

A young American golf fanatic six months new to the game decided to make the trip of a lifetime to Scotland, the Holy land of golf. Upon his arrival he quickly headed out to the course and arranged a tee time for a short time later. As per his PGA teaching professional's instructions, he requested...

Years ago at the original Dome Hill golf course I was playing in the Pro/Am tournament with a pro and 2 other friends who where also members. On the 16th hole there was a van behind the green, to be won if someone aced the hole. My friend put his first shot in the pond stretching around a majority...

A Rock Hudson Putt: Looks straight...but it ain't... Two ants sat on the grass watching a duffer dig up the course. One said to the other, “Let’s get on the ball before he kills us!” Two golfers are at the first tee: Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!'' Golfer...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMa02LjDmHE&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Etotalprosports%2Ecom%2Fblog%2Findex%2Ephp%2F2009%2F05%2Fdavid%2Dfeherty%2Dasks%2Dhey%2Dtiger%2Ddo%2Dyou%2Dfeel%2Dlike%2Da%2Dloser%2F&feature=player_embedded :laughing::laughing::laughing:

Dale L. Larson's $41,000 trial-court award was upheld by a Wisconsin appeals court in October, which agreed with the trial court that the Indianhead golf course in Wausau was 51 percent responsible for Larson's needing nine root canals and 23 dental crowns. Larson tripped on his golf spikes and...

Ouch-Trust your golf patner http://www.livevideo.com/video/5A74169AEC1B45FAA9786B2DAD7031E7/funny-videos---golf-accident.aspx

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like...

An 85 year old man says to his doctor that he enjoys playing golf everyday but his vision is not was it used to be and often time looses sight of the ball after hitting it. The doctor suggest that another patient of his, a 90 year old man who as an excellent vision is always looking for new ways to...

Observed on the wall in the bar at Burning Tree, the men-only golf club for Washington DC's elite: Bar-Phone Fees: $1- "Not here" $2- "On his way out" $3- "Just left" $4- "Haven't seen him all day" $5- "Who?"

OK let's have some fun with pro golfers in photoshop!

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when he collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." he said. The wife ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8....

I was playing a round with an older fella and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot omn the 3rd tee he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared. I said, "That's really...

FYI… A recent study found the average Canadian golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadian golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadian golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Every course should offer this!:laughing:

Coming to Ottawa soon? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5cXtsUYAcM

I should have placed this reply in this section of this site. Ah well, here it is: A friend of mine is writing a golf book entitled Winning Golf Strategies. The book gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that has been gleaned from years of experience in the game and...