Forum: Golf Jokes

For Good Players Whose Scores Would Reflect Their Ability If Only They Got A Lucky Break Once In A While. 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering to the right or to the...

http://www.bogeypro.com/images/skills/ Musta been broken when I tried it.. but it worked for Kiwiman.

The Dead Parrot At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Mr. Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house" "Ah yes Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

It's a Gimmie

This guy really needs to see his local pro and get that driver straightened out:-) http://www.stuntcook.com/index.php?i=12242

A fellow was invited by a friend to play a round of golf at the latter's country club. However, he somehow wandered into the women's locker room and shower area. He was under a shower when he heard the locker room door open, followed by the sound of female voices. He waited a bit, hoping the...

:bored: No matter how depressed you you are at the prospect that we may have a late season opening, and therefore need to swing a club to avoid having to take anti-depressants, don't do it in the Living Room, go to the Garage.:grumpy: :wallbash Just swong my beautiful new Tour Edge Exotics CG1...

In 1951, Edward Harrison was playing at the Inglewood Country Club in Seattle, when the shaft of his driver broke and pierced his groin. He staggered 100 yards before he collapsed and bled to death.

10. I bent my shaft! 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first 3. My hands are so...

Wow! this little guy looks good :) Hope Dad doesn't push him too much. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLZ7ZbxAcvo

Pine trees eat golf balls. Hazards attract; fairways repel. It's not a gimme if you're still away. Aim for the bunker, you'll never hit it. A putt cannot be wished into the cup. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie. It rains only when you...

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. Grantland Rice 2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. John Updike ...

Here's some things to try when you are bored this winter... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBMxW9B3lpc

Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots. Shank, chili-dip, skull, duck-hook, worm-burner, etc. Here are some new ones to add to your vocabulary. A *Paris Hilton* - a very expensive hole.A *James Joyce* - putt that's an impossible read.A *Rock Hudson * -it looked...

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks Golf is harder than...

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at Sawgrass in Ponte Verde , Fla. Exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something he had tried hundreds of times...

Years ago at the original Dome Hill golf course I was playing in the Pro/Am tournament with a pro and 2 other friends who where also members. On the 16th hole there was a van behind the green, to be won if someone aced the hole. My friend put his first shot in the pond stretching around a majority...

Hey this is the club you need right here for those times (Now I know not many of you drive it wildly :-)) when you are in the deep rough after missing a fairway! BIG DADDY DRIVER :laughing::laughing:

OK let's have some fun with pro golfers in photoshop!

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the...

After a particularly poor game of golf, the golfer skipped the "19th" hole and headed straight for home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes, I guess that would be about...

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only...

We all know how golf was invented but apparently Robin Williams thinks LOTS of scotch was involved. Check out the video: http://www.zoobat.com/?p=136:) <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p> TK <o:p> </o:p> Just got a new set of Nike Ignite...

I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8 I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping. Forget the...

Be careful when you go to pick your ball out of the hole:lmfao

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAzRa05eFEY&NR

Homesick Gopher - a putted ball that goes straight in without using the lip. Cellophane Bridge - a putt that goes right over top of the hole. Grow hair / Grow fangs / Hit a House / Deploy The Chute - what you yell at a putt that needs to slow down In Northern Ontario - Hit a Moose is popular...

Did one of our members write this? I have at least one of our frequent visitors in mind. :-) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osD2U-s8i6E&feature=related

Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to...

http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/bad-day-for-tiger.html

don't recall seeing this one posted... A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "****, I missed."...

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My...

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. I've witnessed the usual signals; the phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot...

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged...

>>>> A golfer is looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to >>>> another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against the >>>> tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the >>>> hell are you doing?" >>>> >>>> "I'm listening to the music of the tree."...

One fine day, Dan and Steve are out golfing. Dan slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Dan searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he...

The Starz bunnies do Caddy Shack in 30 seconds... http://www.angryalien.com/aa/caddyshackbuns.asp

A bit of a groan may be heard.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex..... #10...A below par performance is considered damn good. #9...You can stop in the middle

I was talking to my friend on msn earlier today and this is the convo I've had with him (I'm Depe). He is also a memeber, but he reads.. doesn't post Depe J says: Congrats, that’s awesome. Hope you like the set, you got a wicked deal ARUN says: i can’t wait for my clubs ...

Slice retaliation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MC8Zvl-8ziA

Rumour has it that this new golf accessory will be available in a Pro Shop near you soon. :-)

Ok if you do not laugh at this you are on the verge of being dead!

On the first hole of his qualifying round for the 1935 Society of One Armed Golfers' championship, J.W. Perret killed a seagull with his first approach shot. He matched the feat with his second approach shot as well.

1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." 2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." 3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask...

Swing thoughts for a better game:lmfao http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oDW7if7rgw

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot. THE END

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice...