Forum: Golf Jokes

Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots. Shank, chili-dip, skull, duck-hook, worm-burner, etc. Here are some new ones to add to your vocabulary. A *Paris Hilton* - a very expensive hole.A *James Joyce* - putt that's an impossible read.A *Rock Hudson * -it looked...

Saw this on another forum and it's too good a tip not to share. :-) http://www.jimmysreef.com/main.php/v/Videos/golftip.wmv.html

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only...

http://www.cincinnati.com/golf/golfquiz/html/brand.htm

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. Grantland Rice 2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. John Updike ...

These will make you laugh - they're so true. ______________________ Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while...

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the...

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" Caddy: "I doubt it, that would be too much of a coincidence" Golfer: "I'd move...

>>>> A golfer is looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to >>>> another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against the >>>> tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the >>>> hell are you doing?" >>>> >>>> "I'm listening to the music of the tree."...

I have seen many of these scroll across the banner on this site but they are still pretty funny: ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THESE: Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate...

Lloyd was teeing off from the back tees. On his down-swing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Jean, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball, hit Jean directly in the right temple, killing her instantly. A few days later...

Good-Bye A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, ...

There were these two guys who played golf together frequently. The one guy was several strokes better than the other guy, but the lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game. Finally, one Saturday morning he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He...

A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a long high...

Guide to The Non-Playing Expert and Other Golf Characters As if assigned by nature, it just so happens that every golf club in the world has one member who knows it all and has done it all. These are usually perfectly honorable folks whose only abnormality is a high balata count in their blood. ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbNSGI_nV1s

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice...

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a...

In 1912, Harry Dearth played a match at Bushey Hall in England while wearing a complete suite of heavy armor. He lost the match.

Swing thoughts for a better game:lmfao http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oDW7if7rgw

Anyone have one? http://www.hockeystickputters.com/

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope...

Golf Nuts and HOW LUCKY A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he scored his first hole in one, when his cell phone rang. It was his doctor notifying him his wife had just been in a terrible ...

http://www.golfresource.net/videos/Diver.wmv

Here is a new Golf Book that might make for interesting reading for some of you. The title is "How to Line up Your 4th Putt" by BOBBY RUSHER. Here are some of the more notable chapters: A. How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee. B. How to avoid the water...

This is how we speed up slow play in our neck of the woods! Very effective method and no one gets hurt. (Normally no one gets hurt :lmfao ) Plus, no one will argue with you, so you do not have those ugly scenes on the course! :laughing:

A MUST READ FOR YOU... HOW TO PLAY WINNING GOLF TABLE OF CONTENTS: Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Dunlop from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also...

My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"...

Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots over there ice skating in this blizzard!"

that you had to give up golfing or she would leave you .... Would you miss her?? :eek:

It's a Gimmie

http://www.golf.com/golf/video/article/0,28224,1720077,00.html

Jack was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Pat had to go and get the test results from the doctor. "Now Pat, I don't exactly know what is the problem is -- Jack may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little strange. ...

Freddy went to a career counselor to determine what field he should enter. After extensive testing, the counselor finally gave him the results. "Well, Fred, according to our tests, you are a sadistic psychopath who enjoys inflicting pain, misery and suffering on others. All in all, you'd be...

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger...

New golf book - just in time for Xmas. > > Table of Contents: > > Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt >

This is a good one!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUj_qqVxVrE Really reminds me of my friend Sillywilly :P :-)

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise...

You don't need to know french to appreciate this local legend! An oldie, but a goodie - ENJOY! :goodvibes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULP0cbGXU8k

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yxv7ixTymik bet he was waiting at 6am!

I knew four guys in my old neighborhood who used to play EVERY Saturday no matter what. The course they played stayed open all year round even when there was snow on the ground. I asked him whether he used an orange ball when he played in the snow, and he told me that when the snow was deep enough,...

look out seagull http://www.livevideo.com/video/1A58097ECAED490C9CCAC593B436A71A/bad-golfer.aspx

Last season, I played a round with a friend of mine who was playing an unusual golf ball. "Its magic", he declared, " It glows so you can see it in the rough, it beeps so you can find it in the woods, and it floats so you can fish it out of the drink." "That's amazing", says I, "Where'd you...

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in...