Forum: Humour

Always liked this one. A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir....

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

Can you recognize your wife?

A little known fact.... The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 The first helmet was used in 1974. Sooooo, it took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop > that sparked my interest. > The occasion was our 15th...

> A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When > asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate and painful > tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been > married. She went on and on and on -- neglect, lack of intimacy,...

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it,...

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, or meat. We take English for...

Saint Nick has succumbed to the bureaucratic pressures of the 21st century and is now insisting that children must fill out the attached form before they can be eligible for home delivery on Xmas eve. Where will it end? Edit: I just noticed that it is easier to open this attachment by right...

I have never come across this type of crime scene in my 25 years of golfing :lmfao Sure, I have seen the odd broken club but nothing this devasting!

How many forum users does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing...

A robber in a bank wearing a balaclava has it ripped off his head by a security guard. He points and shoots at the guard and kills him instantly. He then peruses the room and says, did anyone else see anything? an irishman standing to the side says. I tink me wife caught a glimpse of ya.:-)

Movie Reviews by Maddox Warning: Language and Mature Themes.... Dan

Read the story first, then listen http://www.thenerdgroup.com/funnyvoicemail.wav On a recent Spurs trip, we were asking one of our sponsors who works at Jack in the Box some funny stories or experiences with the company. The funniest story he had was when an operations manager was late for a...

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the US Attorney General said he...

Free shaft pulls for anyone who reaches hole #10 at Champlain in 2 strokes:listen: from the white tees http://www.ottawagolf.com/champlain/index.htm Hole 10Par 5606596479Hit it again and again. Long par 5 with a green that is interestingly shaped. A good test of your putting skills.

Dog For Sale * Free to good home. * Excellent guard dog. * Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. * Most of them knew him as 'Holy ****.'

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her...

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken,...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process\ all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She...

Must listen to this all the way to the end: http://maniacworld.com/selling-a-house-but-no-asians-wanted.html

LATE BREAKING NEWS FLASH Apparently SOUTHWOLD TOWNSHIP, home of the Green Lane Landfill will be putting in an offer to buy the Toronto Maple Leafs. Since the Township will receiving 2/3's of Toronto's GARBAGE by 2010 they might as well have all of it! :lmfao

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said....

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So...

The NHL had been testing a new type of puck and had passed it around various NHL teams, alphabetically, to get their opinion. Finally they get around to Toronto and the NHL official arrives at the Air Canada Centre and meets Cliff Fletcher. "Here you go sir, this is the "Tucker" puck... oops! I...

Hope this makes it by the censors, it's not "filthy" IMO, just a little raunchy... Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him...

Too funny!

How to really stink at golf As a longtime golfer, Jeff Foxworthy has learned something important about the grand auld game: It's not who has the highest score, it's who has the least fun playing it. In this excerpt from his hilarious primer How to Really Stink at Golf, Foxworthy shares some...

The government of Canada is proposing a 72 hour waiting period before you ae allowed to receive your purchased golf clubs. The reason behind the proposed law: http://media.kladblog.com/media/200510/golf.wmv

The 6 Best Smart Ass Answers Of 2006 SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was...

I thought this was humourous enough to share. Gotta luv the differences between men and women:-) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1ZZreXEqSY

:laughing: :laughing: The Secret to a LONG, HAPPY MARRIAGE: (as told to me.) My wife and I are going to celebrating our 50th anniversary next year. Pastor Dave asked me to take a few minutes and share some insight into how I managed to live with the same woman all these years. So I told...

Woman Wins Biggest Proline Lottery In Ontario History http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_4699.aspx She picked all 13 winners to win $444,186. She does not know jack about football:lmfao

This clip is hilarious :lmfao Makes you wonder how grown ups can argue with a HUNK OF WOOD that is sitting on someone's lap :laughing: HAVE A GOOD LAUGH TODAY :-)

An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered...

Rough Day At The Bar A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?" The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!" The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful." The man downs...

Hockey Fan A first grade teacher in Toronto explains to her class that she is a Toronto Maple Leaf fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Maple Leaf fans too. Not really knowing what a Maple Leaf fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly ...

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and...

There is a virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life...

This is very funny friday humour! http://www.personal.psu.edu/users/b/m/bms269/Movies/richard.wmv :lol2 :lol2

I thought this was funny.

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice...

:stirthepoTo all the folks in Gatineau and Edelwiess area,my girlfriend apologizes for knocking out the power.I believe it was the tee shot on the 13th at Edelweiss,she drove it right into the Hydro tower,the ball hit two of the legs,what a loud bang bang,so hilarious

You've probably seen the magizine ad of this, I just got this link sent to me for the commercial, I heard they where going to do one. It's pretty funny... http://www.brainsaw.net/download.htm Hit 'em straight, hit 'em hard. FS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InZNBcJTmWs