Forum: Humour

Two Scots,,, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..." Archie nods...

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas> plains without water. > > His horse has already died of thirst. > He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his > last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out

Two tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching Schubenacadie, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we...

Fore!

Monica and familly.

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I saidto her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent onsomemachine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Why do seaguls fly over the sea and not over the bay? Scroll down to find out why

Little Jacques was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - - Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Jacques was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic...

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they are in bed. The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." She replied. He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." ...

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate,...

I don't think this will be considered offensive but if so, I apologize in advance... A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been...

THE LISP It was Halloween and a little boy, who had a speech impediment, was out Trick-or-Treating. He came to a man's house and said "Bick or Beet". The man asked, "What are you for Halloween?" "A birate," the little boy said. Now, everyone knows that pirates are associated with...

Very funny!:laughing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziHfRsDlLr4

Apparently the sign said NO GOLFING ALLOWED Apparently this dude did not read the sign.

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? "BS Bingo" is a way to change all of that: 1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your "BS Bingo" card by drawing a square (I find that 5" x 5" is...

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends." Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her...

Ha Ha...

FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE

This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the...

This just came through to me, thought I better pass it along so no one gets burnt!:laughing:

This is the motivation Team Canada needed!!

Reporter at an all time high...

.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't. .. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! .. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. .. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. .. Don't take life too...

A man walks into a bar...ouch.

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate...

PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, I DO NOT HATE BLONDES! IN FACT MY DAUGHTER IS BLONDE AND I EMAILED HER THIS JOKE!:-) Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose...

RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD 1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall. 2. Never park downhill from the tree you are cutting down. 3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forrest does not make you a lumberjack. 4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow...

This is how it should be

DON' THINK YOUR TIME ISN'T COMING FOR THIS:-) An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the...

for those that haven't seen this before;) Finally a joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian... Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven,

I love how MOST (not all) americans no nothing about canada. Anyway, enjoy this clip http://www.wimp.com/aboutcanadians/

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US. An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel,the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried....

A golf Pro from the PGA drives up to Canada with his Volvo to play in the Canadian Open. He stop at a gas station gets out of the car and tells the service guy to fill her up. He then goes to the restroom. When he comes back to the car the service guy says “Totals up to $35”. The Pro reaches...

Here is another classic. You can also download this one, but you need a program to play .flv files. If you want to save it you can do a search for the player and download it too. http://waverly.hitwhatyoureaimingat.com/main.html

Custody Battle Ruling: A seven year old boy from Toronto was at the centre of a courtroom drama in an Ontario Superior Courthouse this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have legal custody of the juvenile. The boy has a history of being beaten repeatedly by both...

Don't honk your horn at old ladies while they cross the street in front of you!:cool :laughing: http://www.clipdump.com/goLink.php?Id=6980

I got this one today at work and I just had to share it.... My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain...

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?...

A woman sitting in a restaurant in St.John's, NFLD suddenly began to cough while eating a giant lobster. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two men, Bob and Bill, sitting at the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asked Bob. The woman...

This is funny,

This is funny! Click on hand in my pocket spoof! http://www.cbc.ca/mercerreport/

These will be installed in all vehicles for the 2006 models.:-)

I wonder how long it took for him to sell his motorcycle ? :laughing: :laughing: ] $10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000 Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006 2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all...

How To install a poor-man's security system: Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ---a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front...

Your annual work Christmas Party?

Funny Stuff by Jack Black

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

An Irishman went home after a round of golf, his third in 3 days. He sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another...